A Vampire's Guide to Mayhem and Destruction
by Hikari-Melanie
Summary: The tales of one blonde vampire's adventures. Or, the author has stolen Spike's diary and decides to tell all.
1. The PROLOGUE!

The scene opens on a dark and desolate graveyard in Sunnydale, one which has been unused for scarce 15 years. A howling storm shrieks across the sky, drawing attention to the monuments of death. Wind twists the trees so hard that one can almost hear their screams of agony. Pale streaks of lightning flash quickly and weakly across the dusky morbid sky. A tombstone gray path, overgrown with weeds, and cracked so hard in places that it's a wonder it stays together, leads toward the creaky graveyard gate. Dark metal spindles curl up to form menacing spikes, covered with a wet, shiny substance that looks suspiciously like blood. The heavens open up with a roar, and rain pours down upon the gate, making it glisten with a sisnister gleam. A patch of white calls attention to itself, a small square of white sticking out from the blackness of the gate. A closer inspection reveals that it is a sign, with letters painted upon it in bright red blood. Moving closer, and closer, the rain finally ceases to blur the bloody letters, and the chilling message can be read:  
  
"Help wanted. Apply Within" 


	2. World Domination is a Pain in the Ass

Hikari: My first official Spike fic, ah what a beautiful sight.  
  
Spike: If by beautiful you mean ugly, than I agree fully!  
  
Hikari: Unfortunately the beauty has to be marred by the most annoying being in the universe.  
  
Spike: Funny, I don't see Xander anyway.  
  
Hikari:..I was talking about you moron.  
  
Spike: I was perfectly aware of that.  
  
Hikari: Well, Hello all my readers!!!  
  
*Crickets sound in the background*  
  
Hikari: ah..Hello my few readers!!  
  
*Insert previous statement here*  
  
Hikari: Hello, um, my, one reader?  
  
*Miss.Perfect's Shadow claps hysterically in the empty audience*  
  
Spike: Oh look. A fan. Bloody miraculous, considering your writing skills.  
  
Hikari: At least I don't write poetry about "love effulgent"  
  
Spike..shut-up _  
  
Random Amanganth: Hikari does not own anything mentioned in this fanfiction except for me, so anybody out there looking for money, don't sue us. Instead, send your children to Micheal Jackson's Ranch, where they will have a wondeful time!!!!  
  
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World Domination is a pain in the ass.  
  
Oh sure, the burning and pillaging is just loads of fun, and you can't forget the rape, but then along comes a bloody slayer and it all falls to pieces. Or, in my case, dust. Yes, ladies and gents, I am a vampire. Known to the world as William the Bloody, the scourge of Europe. Nowadays just Spike. Stuck in a town called Sunnydale which is hell on earth. Literally, considering it's situated right above a hellmouth, which brought me n' Dru here in the first place. Oh, and to top off this immense pile of doom and catastrophe, there's a Slayer here in Sunnydale. A slayer known as Buffy Summers, blonde, stupid, ugly, and incredibly annoying. Also known to foil every one of my plans, and she just doesn't die! I'm not exaggeratin' here, she was bloody killed by the master about 3 years back, and just sprang back to life, in the not-undead sense. Then there's her trusty sidekick, the great and majestic Poof, a.k.a Angel the souled vampire, defender of all that's good and fluffy. Also, my very own grandsire. But enough of my sad, sensitive, and wildly murderous backstory, let's skip to the here and know.  
  
My name is Spike, and I'm a blonde haired(Bleached, but don't let the slayer and her little pals know that I admit it), blue-eyed evil master vampire, with a god-damned bloody chip in my head that won't let me kill anything but demons. Like an electric conscience, it is. So, I've been reduced from sexy killer of everything good to something almost as bad as Peaches. In straight english, I'm now stuck helpin' out the Slayer and her fanclub in dustin' vamps and killing demons for cash. Bloody near prostitution if you ask me, but as long as I get my smokes and my beer, I can't complain. So, today she stalked me down my graveyard (A real beaut, been abanded for a while so no nasty fledglings to ruin my time) and demanded information of some sorta magical demon which can open up portals to different dimensions. Well, there are only about 65 thousand of those types around, and I was working hard on something of a personal matter, so I told her these things in the nicest way possible.  
  
"I'm busy, fuck off"  
  
"Giles' said we'll pay you if we have to"  
  
"How much"  
  
"Less than you're thinking"  
  
"Please resort to previous statement for answer"  
  
"Spike"  
  
"Oh, I'm so intimidated Slayer. Frowning with dissapointment at me is really making my blood run cold. If I had any."  
  
"I'm not in a good mood right now Spike, you don't want to piss me off"  
  
"Oh boo hoo, I really feel for you slayer, butI don't quite feel like socializing today, so go scarper back to your little friends and relay this message for them: Fuck the hell off, yours truly, Spike."  
  
"How about I tell them 'I'm sorry, Spike couldn't tell me anything, since he was unfortunately beaten into a bloody, broken pulp. And dead. And staked'"  
  
"Hit defenseless vampires now, do you Slayer?" "Only if they're really ugly, and go by the name of Spike"  
  
"Ooh, snap"  
  
"Either you give the information and get richer than usual, or you don't give the information and wind up scattered across the floor in a dust-like state"  
  
"Alright, alright, no need to get violent. Bloody nice of me to put my life on hold for you"  
  
"What life?"  
  
"One that's way more interesting than yours"  
  
"I'm sure. Now hurry up, we have to get back to the library before sunrise. I'd normally love for you to be burned to a crisp, but I don't think Giles would appreciate not getting any info. Time's a wasting!"  
  
And that's how I wound up joining the forces of good in a demon-hunt that would later change my un-life forever. All for a measly twenty bucks. And I had to deal with lovely Angel, the little ray of sunshine, as well as Xander the whelp, and Giles the stuffy know-it-all, and the two lezzie witches groping each other all over the place, and the little bit poking through my stuff, and, of course the ever annoying Buffy. Y'know what? I seriously think I got gipped on this one. Bloody hell! 


	3. Ah, how crappy life is Especially when o...

Hikari: AAAAAAH!! RUUN FOR YOOOUUR LIIIVES!!!  
  
Suigi: What is it, what is it?  
  
Hikari: It's an,......It's an.....UPDATE!!  
  
Suigi: Dear god NO!  
  
Spike: If all you out there are wonderin' what the hell is going on, Hikari has this nasty habit of never updating more than twice in one year.  
  
Hikari: Read "Diaries of a Yami". You'll see what he means. Sorry for never updating in, around 4 months.....I made the second chapter.....then I accidentially deleted it....then I got disenhearted, than my crazy geography teacher went psycho on assigning homework. But now I'm actually going to write it!! Please exscuse me if it's bad, I really just want to rest.  
  
P.S When Spike says "bloody" a whoooole lot, it's not because I'm a crap writer, he just sez it when he's really upset. Read, and you'll see.  
  
SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP (It's good for you)  
  
Ah, how crappy life is Especially when one is not of the living Such as, well, DEAD!  
  
In library. Stuffy, dusty, boring, stupid, boring, ugly, wooden, boring library. And I'm bored. But I think you've already guessed that by now. Buffy's "giant emergency" turned out to be a bloody study party, with more of the studying and less of the bloodying.  
  
This warp-openin'-demon-like-thing apparently sucks people into these buggered up dimesnsions where they die horrible and gruesome deaths. I just started daydreaming about kicking good ol' Angelus into one o' those portals, when the Slayer comes over and smacks me on the head with a book. A bloody BIG book.  
  
"What the hell was that for, Slayer?"  
  
"Cause I can. If you're just going to sit there wasting space, why did you even come here in the first place"  
  
"If memory serves me, I believe it was you who dragged me to this hellbound library in the first place"  
  
"Only because you didn't co-operate with me"  
  
"Buffy, Spike, please stop your bickering. This research is going to go nowhere if we keep having interruptions"  
  
"Giles, this studying is going nowhere anyhow! How are we going to help Tara by just sitting around here stuffing our noses in who-knows-how-old books" "Xander, sit down. You have no right to complain about anything. It's Willow we should be worried about"  
  
It was right about then the I noticed the absence of our two lovely lezzie Glenda's.  
  
"Where are the two bisexual birds anyhow?"  
  
"Buffy, didn't you tell him?"  
  
"You never told me to, I just figured he'd realize at some point"  
  
"Well, I did, great job, now can you tell me what the big deal is?"  
  
"Spike, Tara was.....taken herself by the demon....we don't know if she..I mean, we believe she's still alive and well, but we need your help to assure that"  
  
"....And what if in the process of saving the little wiccan, I wind up trapped myself?"  
  
"Then we all throw a party with those little cone hats and chocolate cake"  
  
"Ooh, and noisemakers. Noisemakers are a must!"  
  
"Buffy, Xander, stop it. Spike, if all goes well, you'll have spell casted on you that will direct you back to any openings which may lead to home. All we need to do is convince Willow to co-operate, and everything will go just fine"  
  
"And the last time you said that, the world nearly got sucked into bloody hell"  
  
"Wouldn't it be fiery?"  
  
"Would what now?"  
  
"Wouldn't it be fiery hell, and not bloody hell? I mean, you saying bloody hell just makes no sense. You don't need to constantly remind the world that you're british, do you?"  
  
"It sounds cool you idjit"  
  
"*snort* In your dreams Spike"  
  
"That's where you'll be, Slayer"  
  
"....ew...EW!! Bad thoughts! Giles, make the bad thoughts go away!!"  
  
"Alright, that's it. You children are just making this too complicated to deal with at the moment. Buffy, you patrol. Take Spike with you if needed, Xander you...."  
  
"Actually, Giles, Riley's coming later to patrol with me, so I really don't need Spike. At all. Ever"  
  
"Well then, walk Spike home as you head out to patrol"  
  
"What am I, a dog now?"  
  
"Say "woof" dead-boy. Say, Giles, my man, do I get the night off too?"  
  
"Xander, you get to stay here and keep researching with me"  
  
"Aw, nutbunnies"  
  
At that point the doorbell rang, and thank the bloody lord it did. If this incessant babble continued for just one more moment, chip or no chip they'd all be lying dead on the floor. However, this announces the arrival of the amazing Captain Cardboard, defender of all of Idaho. Or wherever the hell he's from. Like I pay attention.  
  
"Hey Buffy"  
  
"Hi Riley"  
  
Oh lord, they're blushing. They're actually blushing. Like some kind of crappy romance movie, kinda like Sleepless in.....Not that I watch romancwe movies, not at all. But back to the point.  
  
Kiss.  
  
Gag me with a rope of glass and prick out my eyeballs with a bloody toothpick, but please just spare me the pain and torture of watching army- boy getting' it on with the slayer. Those two are severly mis-matched...not that I care. I don't care a lick about the Slayer, and I hope she dies. And she's ugly, anyhow....and...I don't like her hair!! Stop looking at me like that!!  
  
SPUFFY MADNESS CALLS TO US ALL! RESPOND RESPOND!!(OR GO FOR S/A)  
  
Walking through cool, and calm cemetary, which is a definite imporvement over said library. Still scheming upon different ways to let me patrol with Buffy. Still failing. It's not like I want to, I just want to make sure she's safe, cause surprisingly I'm not all for the world being sucked into hell. Right now, vamps like one blonde, handsome, and british one in particular, practically rule this world. I'd like it to stay that way, at least until I get this soddin' chip out of my noggin.  
  
"So, uh, you sure you guys will be okay out there on your own?"  
  
"Yes Spike, for the upteenth time, I'm sure Riley and I will be perfectly fine by ourselves"  
  
"All by ourselves"  
  
Ooh, the soldier's getting' snippy. I think he may be a bit more clued on to what's happening around him than I think, but I like to believe that he's just deeply stupid.  
  
"Well, just wondering, cause with you two snoggin' and all every three steps you take, an demon could just come up and kill you. Be a nice surprise for me, but you probably wouldn't enjoy it"  
  
"Buffy will be perfectly fine when I'm around, right hun?"  
  
Okay, I never thought I'd say this, but.....ew?  
  
"As soon as a certain, annoying and dyed-blonde vampire gets out of our sight, I'd be more than fine"  
  
"Couldn't of been more subtle if you tried, Slayer. Good on you"  
  
"Spike, just shut-up and leave"  
  
"I'm telling you, your gonna regret this"  
  
"And I am telling you, that the lady says no, and if you speak to her one more time, I'm going to stake you faster than you can say 'bloody hell', am I clear?"  
  
"Uh, it's fiery hell mate. The slogan's been changed"  
  
"Is. That. Clear"  
  
"Crystal"  
  
"Good"  
  
"Like I said Spike, I don't need you. At all. Ever"  
  
I wait till they're just about out of earshot.  
  
"FINE THEN, I HOPE YOU BLOODY DIE!!"  
  
Soldier-boy turns. I head back to the crypt. Much as he'd love to inflict pain upon my person, I'm needed to go portal hopping so the Scooby Gang doesn't have to risk their pretty little necks. So, on to adventure. But first, a warm mug of blood, and a new episode of Passions. Ah, life of the Undead. 


End file.
